1.19.25, 7:45 p.m.
I don’t think we can ever forget the past – especially the moments that matter the world to us.
It’s difficult to move on when you’ve experienced a chapter of life that was so rich, so vivid, so beautiful.
The past few weeks have been a period of soul-searching.
By textbook definition, my 2nd abroad has been amazing thus far:
Daily exploring in Singapore
Met 100+ people, dozens of meetups
First day trip to Forest City, Malaysia
New friend groups (e.g: NUS running, HK’ers, etc.)
Life is awesome. Yet…
Something feels missing.
It’s this existential yearning – a deep acceptance that the void I’m feeling right now can never fully be filled.
It’s grief for the past.
Not for someone. But for someplace. For a past chapter of life. For Beijing.
Collage of “The Great China Adventure.”
I came into Singapore wanting to recreate the same magic I’ve experienced in Beijing, but deep down, I knew it was an impossible task.
Not because one city is better than the other, but because of how different the two chapters of my life are.
My first abroad in 2025 was about self-discovery, cultural enrichment, and novelty. Everything was foreign. I came into it with radical open-mindedness.
My second abroad so far is about rootedness, awareness, and intentionality. I know the life I want to live, and with it, I guess there’s less novelty involved.
I cannot recreate 2025, as eye-opening as it was.
However, I find myself grieving for abroad 1, because of how special it was. I’d rewatch my film – over and over – trying to relive my past life.
It sounds a bit pointless – to dwell on events that will never happen again.
Yet…
I don’t believe it’s as binary as “if you dwell on the past, you’re ‘ngmi.’” In fact, it’s a beautiful indicator of the totality and fullness of life you’ve experienced.
I’ve been going back to this quote a lot:
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
A life well-lived isn’t only about living in the present. A bittersweet blend of past memories – ones of warmth and nostalgia – can make life feel all the more richer.
I cannot relive my first abroad in Beijing. I’ve accepted this.
What I can do, however, is to take the magic I’ve experienced in 2025 and sprinkle a bit here and there – to the life I’m living right now.
The other day, I met a Finnish person at one of NUS’s canteens.
There and then, I remember what my Finnish friend back in Beijing told me: their culture’s love for sour licorice and assortment of sweets like sukulaku.
I brought it up – and that took the conversation to a direction I otherwise wouldn’t been able to if I hadn’t gone to PKU and befriended someone from Finland.
In that brief moment, I couldn’t help but smile.
The first 1.5 weeks at Singapore was not without its ups and downs.
With over 1,000 people going to exchange at just NUS alone, it’s been difficult finding people I truly resonate with.
Beijing took (literally) one dinner to find my closest friends. But here in Singapore, I’ve had to attend one large meetup after and another to slowly find my people.
Although friendships here haven’t come close to the level of depth I’ve experienced in Beijing in Day 1, I’m trying to make peace with that.
Forest City, Johor Bahru
Because again…
These two experiences are incomparable; they’re beautiful in their own ways.
I will never forget Beijing. I will never forget the lifelong friends I’ve made along the way. Though it can’t be relived, it’s not worth suppressing.
As for Singapore, I shall continue moving forward.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
It’s just the beginning <3.
